sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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