So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
