Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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