Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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