I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
