Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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