I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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