I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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