i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
