do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
