She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize