would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
