1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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