blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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