Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
