cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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