I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
