I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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