I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
