There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
