I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize