theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
