Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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