glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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