I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
