I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
