I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
