I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
