My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
