do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
