D3 body, D1 cock
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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