I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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