I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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