Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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