It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
