The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
