if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
