Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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