Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
