i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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