So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize