I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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