I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
