When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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