he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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