She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize