Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
