I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize