In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
