so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
