i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
