Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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