apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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