I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
