just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
