i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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